Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, November 18, 2017
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As we welcome another Saturday of the funnies, our attention is drawn to two little boys, ages 5 and 7, who are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.   

Understand, we have no idea who these boys are, or where any of the Saturday Funnies originate. These are no more than a collection of anonymous emails sent to me each week from dear friends in the hope that they will make us laugh

The story has it that the mother of these two rascals had heard that a new preacher in town had been quite successful in disciplining children --- getting them back on the path of the straight-and-narrow -- so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. 

The mother sent the 5-year-old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" 

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.  So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"  

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"  

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" 

The younger brother, still gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"  

* * *

THE TOILET SEAT THAT WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.  Finally I got around to doing it while Julie was out shopping.  After finishing I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and prepared to take a shower.  Before getting in the shower she got undressed and then sat on the toilet.  As she tried to stand up she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time I got home and realized her predicament.  We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.  Finally in desperation I undid the toilet seat bolts.  Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The doctor replied, "Actually I've seen lots of them...I just never saw one mounted and framed."

* * *

THE DEAR OLD LADY WHO LOVES BARACK OBAMA

NOTE: The following is for entertainment purposes only but it is certainly a different way to look at what is happening:

One 82-year-old lady loves Obama and she may have a very good point. She says that Obama is amazing, and is rebuilding the American dream! She gives us an entirely new slant on the "amazing" job Obama is doing, and she says that she will thank God for the President. Keep reading for her additional comments and an explanation. When discussing Obama, she says:

1. Obama destroyed the Clinton Political Machine, driving a stake through the heart of Hillary's presidential aspirations - something no Republican was ever able to do.

2. Obama killed off the Kennedy Dynasty - no more Kennedys trolling Washington looking for booze and women wanting rides home.

3. Obama is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes! Dennis Moore had never lost a race. Evan Bayh had never lost a race. Byron Dorgan had never lost a race. Harry Reid - soon to be GONE! These are just a handful of the Democrats whose political careers Obama has destroyed. By the end of 2016, dozens more will be gone. Just think, in December of 2008 the Democrats were on the rise. In two election cycles, they had picked up 14 Senate seats and 52 House seats. The press was touting the death of the Conservative Movement and the Republican Party. However, in just one term, Obama put a stop to all of this and gave the House and the Senate - back to the Republicans.

4. Obama has completely exposed liberals and progressives for what they are. Sadly, every generation seems to need to re-learn the lesson on why they should never actually put liberals in charge. Obama is bringing home the lesson very well: Liberals tax, borrow and spend. Liberals won't bring themselves to protect America.. Liberals want to take over the economy. Liberals think they know what is best for everyone. Liberals are not happy until they are running YOUR life.

5. Obama has brought more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Reagan. In one term, he has rejuvenated the Conservative Movement and brought out to the streets millions of freedom loving Americans. Name one other time when you saw your friends and neighbors this interested in taking back America!

6. Obama, with his "amazing leadership," has sparked the greatest period of sales of firearms and ammunition this country has seen. Law abiding citizens have rallied and have provided a "stimulus" to the sporting goods field while other industries have failed, faded, or moved off-shore.

7. In all honesty, four years ago I was more afraid than I have been in my life. Not afraid of the economy, but afraid of the direction our country was going. I thought, Americans have forgotten what this country is all about. My neighbors and friends, even strangers, have proved to me that my lack of confidence in the greatness and wisdom of the American people has been flat wrong.

8. When the American people wake up, no smooth talking teleprompter reader can fool them! Barack Obama has served to wake up these great Americans! Again, I want to say: "Thank you, Barack Obama!" After all, this is exactly the kind of hope and change we desperately needed!!    

9. He has saved Carter’s legacy and made Jimmy Carter happy, since Jimmy is no longer the worst president we've ever had.  Credit goes to where credit is due!

* * *

IN THE BEGINNING IT WAS THE APPLE

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!

* * *

REMEMBER --- SAFETY ALWAYS COMES FIRST

I went to the liquor store on Country Club Road Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of gin, and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the gin before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

* * *

THEY SAY ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR

Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 80-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food!" they demanded.

The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread."

"War is War, bring us the food!"

So he gives his last morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine!"

"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"

"War is War, bring us the wine!"

So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman!"

"But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 80 year old grandmother!!"

"War is War, bring her to us!"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time.'"

Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!"

* * *

THE TWENTY BEST WORDS THIS WEEK

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy Ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

* * *

THE CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER PROBLEM THINKER

NOTE: This story is for entertainment purposes only:

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. 

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. 

I began to think on the job.I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" 

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

I came home early that afternoon. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

But, Honey, surely it's not that serious but she replied, “It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" 

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.  You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step. I joined the Democratic Party.

* * *

Please send anything you have that is funny to me. That way I can pass them along I’ll pass it along in The Saturday Funnies.

royexum@aol.com


The Invasion

Tennessee Wants And Needs Karl Dean

Vote Bill Lee Tennessee Governor


Let us make no bones about it; this so-called caravan is nothing more than a foreign invasion on American soil. It must be met with overwhelming force to stop the madness of this offensive swathe. ... (click for more)

In any election, public education is going to be the most important issue for me and my family. I have two children in public schools, and Karl Dean’s record as mayor of Nashville was stellar. ... (click for more)

As we all know Tennessee has an open seat for governor and the Republican nominee is Bill Lee and the Democratic nominee is Karl Dean. Now this race is a conservative outsider or a liberal career ... (click for more)


Opinion

The Invasion

Let us make no bones about it; this so-called caravan is nothing more than a foreign invasion on American soil. It must be met with overwhelming force to stop the madness of this offensive swathe. If the United Nations will not enforce its own laws then the full might of our military and all other full time and part time policemen and women including auxiliary volunteers that are ... (click for more)

Tennessee Wants And Needs Karl Dean

In any election, public education is going to be the most important issue for me and my family. I have two children in public schools, and Karl Dean’s record as mayor of Nashville was stellar. He increased funding for public education by 37 percent. Teachers’ salaries went up. Test scores went up. Graduation rates went up. Dropout rates went down. Dean will always protect public ... (click for more)

Breaking News

HCSO Corrections Corporal Arrested

Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office personnel on Tuesday afternoon arrested HCSO Corrections Corporal Kaquience Williams on the charge of possession of drug paraphernalia. Corporal Williams was arrested after she was found to be in possession of drug paraphernalia during a traffic stop. She is presently in the booking process at the Hamilton County Jail and has been placed on ... (click for more)

Downtown Post Office Finally Getting Handicap Ramp

Chattanooga's Downtown Post Office, after some lawsuits and numerous complaints over the years, is finally getting a handicap ramp. Federal Judge Sandy Mattice said the complaints had increased in recent months and the General Services Administration agreed to fund the project at the historic building on Georgia Avenue. The judge said, "It's a beautiful building, but it's ... (click for more)

Sports

Chattanooga Red Wolves SC Opens Ticket Deposits

Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club opened ticket deposits on Monday for its inaugural 2019 season of professional play in USL League One. Deposits ensure soccer fans get to pick their preferred seats early for group, season and individual tickets. By placing a deposit, fans will also have access to priority seating for the new soccer-specific stadium being built for the 2020 season. ... (click for more)

UTC Wrestlers Picked Third In SoCon Coaches Poll

The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga wrestling team is picked third in the 2018-19 Preseason Coaches Poll, the league office announced today. UTC grabbed 27 points to trail Appalachian State and Campbell. The Mountaineers totaled 36 points, including six first place nods, while the Camels had 30 points with one first place vote. Head coaches are not allowed to vote their ... (click for more)